A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want.
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
Smoked salmon is for dinner. Belly lox is for breakfast. Don't get that mixed up.
I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
When I was a kid, I used to send away for those ventriloquist kits on the back of comic books.
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
