Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.