Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Take my wife... Please!
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
