Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell?
Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
[a fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
[to passersby]
Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.
Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond... James Bond. I'll do it.
[Peter is talking in his sleep]
Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.
Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.
[set turns into disco]
Meg Griffin: I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.
Chris Griffin: [shouts] Don't censor me!
Stewie Griffin: [looking in the fridge for a drink] Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!
[Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers]
Peter Griffin: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".
Peter Griffin: Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, but that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie.
[Flashback to Peter sitting at a drive-in, facing the wrong way]
[repeated line]
Stewie: What the deuce?
[the Griffins watch "Happy Days"]
Richie: Mom, uh, I really like Potsy.
Mrs. Cunningham: Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him?
Richie: No, I mean... I *really* like Potsy.
Mr. Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
[Peter's new car has an electronic navigator with a Yakov Smirnoff mode]
Yakov Smirnoff Voice: Turn left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you.
Peter Griffin: You all know how observant I am.
TV Announcer: And now back to Star Trek.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. Uhura's black?
Stewie Griffin: It's not that I want to kill Lois... it's just that I don't want her to be alive any more.
