Family Guy Quotes

[a police officer pulls Peter over in his car]
Police Officer: License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?
Peter Griffin: Yes I am.
Police Officer: [into walkie-talkie] Report of a possible stolen vehicle.
Peter Griffin: But this is my car.
Police Officer: Suspect becoming beligerent.

Peter Griffin: Wha...
Police Officer: Officer down.
[Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter]

Stewie Griffin: [in a Southern accent] Warm out today. Warm out yesterday. Even warmer today.
[strums up his banjo]
Stewie Griffin: [singing] Met her on my CB / Said her name was Mimi / Sounded like an angel come to Earth /
Banjo Chorus: Come to Earth /
Stewie Griffin: But when I finally meet her / Boy, you should've

seen her / Twice as tall as me, three times the girth /
Banjo Chorus: Girth /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /
Banjo Chorus: Loves to eat /
Stewie Griffin: A big old Buddha belly, and her breasts swing past her feet /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /
Banjo Chorus: Eat /

Stewie Griffin: My big ol' fatass baby loves to eat!
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!

[Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin: [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
[cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter

Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
[stops screaming]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right.

Peter Griffin: [Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
[White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
Peter Griffin: [sometime later; answering

the door] Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Craig T. Nelson: [Hands him a pistol] Make it quick.

Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and

touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't

like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...

Peter Griffin: Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people

I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew.

Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No

thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.