Family Guy Quotes

[Quagmire is talking to a woman from New York]
Glen Quagmire: Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side.
Woman (in deep voice): Sure.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?
Woman: Pre-op.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa.

Transvestite, back off.

Peter Griffin: Hey, what's your friend's name?
Al Gore: Dick Armey.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] No, seriously, what is it?
Al Gore: [beat] ... Dick Armey.
Peter Griffin: [bursts out laughing] Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name, Vagina Coastguard?
[continues to laugh]
Al Gore: [laughs] Oh, I just got that.

[Family is sitting at Table. After Apocalypse. Eating eggs on random pieces of metal]
Lois Griffin: It's Ok. Right before the Apocalypse, Peter bought a year's worth of food.
[Camera Goes to Peter. He's just finishing off the last of the food]
Lois Griffin: PETER. You just finished off a years supply of food.
Peter

Griffin: What a waste. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water and gets really bloated]
Peter Griffin: Everyone leave. I have to poop.
[Everyone looks at him]
Peter Griffin: NOW.

Joe Swanson: Peter, it's over.
Peter Griffin: Over? What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that? It's un-American. Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that

DUI? No! Did he quit after he got busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit...
Joe Swanson: I get the message, Peter.

Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin: I have an announcement:

The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?

Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some

fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
[imitates Pee-Wee]
Peter Griffin: Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin: [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.

Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
Peter Griffin: [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!

Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: [singing] You and I are / So awfully different / Too awfully different / To ever be pals
Stewie Griffin: Do you want to go first?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, I'll go! Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're one to talk! You get a

stiffy from Felicia Rashad /
Brian Griffin: Oh, one time!
[gets a sudden erection]
Stewie Griffin: I've a style flair / Just look at my hip hair
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, that - that's quite a nice do there /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, thanks!
Brian Griffin: [imitating Triumph the

Insult Comic Dog] For me to POOP on!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! You look like Charlie Brown!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, bite me, Snoopy!
Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: There's not / A whole lot / That we've got / To agree on
Brian Griffin:

'Cause I love the strings of a classical score /
Stewie Griffin: And I like that singer who looks like a whore /
Brian Griffin: Ricky Martin?
Stewie Griffin: Love him!
Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals /

Doctor: Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Adam West: I see.
Doctor: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.

Doctor: Well, that's just silly!
Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.