Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?
Peter Griffin: So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
Peter Griffin: Hey, where's my VCR?
Hillbilly #1: Dangit, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box.
Hillbilly #2: It's *my* sex box. And her name is Sony.
[Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone]
Peter Griffin: Oh my god. It's the Children of the Corn.
Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: I said runt.
[during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
[Death holds up a document that Peter doctored to proclaim he was dead to avoid having to pay his medical bills]
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
[observing Brian at a dog race]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze.
Peter Griffin: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.
Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.
Brian: You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man.
Quagmire: You mean THREE Filipino women.
[pauses]
Quagmire: Ahhhhhhh!
[upon learning that Meg is dating a nudist]
Lois Griffin: Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.
Meg Griffin: Somebody's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie Griffin: You suck!
Lois Griffin: Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately.
Brian Griffin: It's only my second glass.
[takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup]
Teacher: In French, to say yes you say oui-oui.
[Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man, that's hysterical.
[keeps laughing]
Peter Griffin: Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo?
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.
Cleveland: You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.
Meg Griffin: I guess that's OK. When did he die?
[opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]
Cleveland: We think it was some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.
