[Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face]
Meg Griffin: Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris Griffin: What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Chris Griffin: Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
Meg Griffin: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.
Meg Griffin: Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez
Chris Griffin: That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!
Disabled Man: [with electronic voice] A sphincter says what?
Joe Swanson: What?
Disabled Man: Ha ha ha ha. You stupid bastard.
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word. You have no right to use it.
Huck Griffin: Hey hey hey, I'm cool, I'm cool, no problem!
[pause]
Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'?
Jim: Thank you.
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Peter Griffin: [opening drawer] Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here!
[He opens the book and dances around with it]
Peter Griffin: Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!
Peter Griffin: [Peter enters Meg's classroom wearing a towel] Hey Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter! You're not eating those, are you?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Diane's weight.
[watching the sunset]
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
Tooth #1: I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Tooth #2: Not so fast!
Tooth #1: Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!
Lois Griffin: [shimmies around] Remember this? Remember?
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.
Peter Griffin: [reaches into shirt and feels chest] Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh.
[pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it]
God: Let me light that for you, honey.
[he points, lights lady's cigarette with lightning bolt]
Lady: Wow!
God: Yeah, you like that? Magic Fingers...
[points again, lightning strikes lady, sets bar on fire]
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade! We're Outta Here!
[an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy: Daddy, what's that?
Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass.
