A Christmas Story Quotes

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Round One was over.
[chuckling]
Ralphie as an Adult: Parents one, kids zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable.
Mother: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?
Ralphie as an Adult: Horrified, I heard myself

blurt it out!
Ralphie: I want an Official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
[Realizing he's made a mistake]
Ralphie: Ooohhh...
Mother: No, shoot your eye out.
Ralphie as an Adult: Oh, no! It was a classic, mother BB-gun block. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That

deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kiddom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.

[Furnace makes creaking noise]
The Old Man: Hold it! Shhh...
[Furnace makes loud banging noises]
The Old Man: Aha! Aha! It's a clinkerrrr! That blasted, stupid furnace! Dadgummit!
[Mr. Parker falls down the stairs]
The Old Man: Damn skates!
[coughing]
The Old Man: Oh for cripe's

sake, open up that damper, will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? Hawk head! Aw, blasted poop flirt rattle crap camel flirt. You blonker frattle feet sturckle frat! Of a womp sack butt ratter bottom fodder...
Ralphie as an Adult: In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

The Old Man: ...smick melly whop walker. Drop dumb fratten house stickle fifer!

[the Bumpus hounds break in the house and raid the kitchen]
The Old Man: Oh, no! The turkey!
[the old man arrives too late to see that the dogs already devoured the turkey]
The Old Man: Oh, my... God! You sons of - !
[the dogs leave out the back door]
The Old Man: [shouts, high-pitched] SONS OF BITCHES! BUMPUSES!

Head Elf: COME ON, KID!
[pulls Ralphie]
Head Elf: COME ON!
Santa Claus: Come on up, come on up! HO! HO HO!
[spins Ralphie around]
Santa Claus: HOOOO... HOOO... HOO... And what's your name little boy?
Head Elf: Hey, kid! Hurry up, the store's closing!
Male

Elf: Listen, little boy. We have a lot of people waiting here, so get going.

Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?
Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and

the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off.
Randy: [is trying to catch up] C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!

The Old Man: [to Mother] You know, Zudock just bought one of those brand-new green plastic trees.
Christmas Tree Man: Oh, no!
The Old Man: Darn thing looked like it was made of green pipe cleaners. Hee hee hee hee.
Mother: It's a very nice tree.
Christmas Tree Man: [quickly] I'll thrown

in some rope and tie it to your car for you.
The Old Man: You got a deal.
Christmas Tree Man: Deal.

Mother: Here.
[Puts a heavy, round present in her husband's lap, and he groans]
Mother: From me to you.
The Old Man: [high-pitched:] Thanks a lot!
[Normal voice:]
The Old Man: I wonder what it could be.
[Unwraps it]
The Old Man: It's a blue ball. Aw, it's a bowling

ball.