I was born late - what my mother calls the last kick of a dying horse. There's three of us children, but I'm 13 or 14 years younger than my brother and sister.
Times are hard and friends are few.
I don't like awards ceremonies. I'd sooner go to the pub with mates I've known for years.
I was a really picky eater as a child. Because I was obsessed by Popeye, my mum and aunts would put my food in a can to represent spinach and we'd hum the Popeye tune and then I'd happily eat it.
I make a wonderful cure-all called Four Thieves, just like my mum did. It's cider vinegar, 36 cloves of garlic and four herbs, representing four looters of plague victims' homes in 1665 who had their sentences reduced from burning at the stake to hanging for explaining the recipe that kept them from catching the plague.
My primary school teacher once poured a bottle of curdled school milk forcefully down my throat. Then I threw it up all over her suede shoes. I'd rather have drunk from the spittoon in Barney's barber shop.
I'm not a businessman. I could pack it in, but I like work. I don't want to sound like Catherine Cookson, but I've worked since I was eight, with a paper round and in a fruit and veg shop.
Writing is such a solitary existence, and I can only do it late at night.
I go in the butchers and there's not a lot of meat I can eat these days, with having all the animals.
I've got four dogs, eight chickens, 10 sheep and six pigs.
I dress up as a middle-aged prostitute and do a game show.
I think it's bad for fellas when they lose their mothers. Mine was such a character. Oh it was sad, really sad. And, with her gone, the family home was gone, so what was left of any roots I had were completely dug up.
I'd rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards.
I went to work for the Civil Service. I'd wanted to work for the Ministry of Defence because I had some far-fetched idea that it had something to do with the Avengers, but I ended up in Social Security.
You can draw the character out of pets, and you can make them your friends, but they are animals, and they have to be allowed to live the lives of animals.
Every week I have a disaster in my kitchen. The fire alarm goes off repeatedly. But it doesn't stop me being adventurous.
I don't go for glamour roles.
I can eat beef, provided it's minced in disguise. I couldn't eat a gammon steak. Forget it.
If I wanted your opinion, I'd slap it outta ya.
The worst drivers are women in people carriers, men in white vans and anyone in a baseball cap. That's just about everyone.
