Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!
The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.
I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.
Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!
The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.
I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.
I'm a Jew.
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.
If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.
I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.
Usually I'm too tired to apologize.
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
