God created man, but I could do better.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
