Men fill up their heads and drawers and sheds with stuff from their teenage years.
Now, like a lot of parents, I have to fight with myself every time I leave the house not to buy my children more stuff.
I avoid envy at all costs.
I don't have any secrets; I don't believe in secrets.
I won a robotics championship when I was 13.
I have always been a little bit forgetful.
Left to their own devices, men would wear trainers with a pair of stonewashed jeans and would think nothing of throwing on a donkey jacket.
I couldn't tell you my wedding anniversary (although I seem to remember it was in June. Or maybe July. Definitely a month beginning with a 'J,' anyhow. But not January. Um. I think) and people I went to school with get extremely fed up with me when I bump into them in the street and have absolutely no recollection of their faces.
Men are, on the whole, born without any fashion sense whatsoever. I don't say this to be mean, but I'm just being honest.
If a straight man dresses well, chances are he's not straight.
The truth is that tights are just so cosy.
If you meet a girl who says: 'Darling, what do you mean? Of course I wear suspenders. I've worn them all my life. I think tights are for old people,' then know this: she's desperate to have kids, she wants you and her to live in the same house as her mum, she never wants to go out and she just wants to lie on your chest for the next 15 years.
Christmas is not a time for laughter. Christmas is a time for pain.
I just don't 'get' pets.
Now people who keep fish disturb me the most, if I'm totally honest. They always smell a bit like fish food and they know just a bit too much about eels.
Rodents are pests and not pets, and anything that manically runs around a wheel 24/7 and occasionally has 19 babies in the middle of the night should not be brought into the house.
A dark room with some low-level whale music and a flat bed and a woman pulling your shoulder back and forth is a happy place.
Who actually enjoys skiing? Come on, even Olympic ski masters, even James Bond, think that dressing up in all that fluorescent, insulated kit and having to manoeuvre down a mountain in the freezing cold is no way to spend leisure time.
When you're down and have just split up from your partner everyone says you have to move forward. 'Get on with your life,' 'It's time to meet someone new,' and 'Don't think about the past' are phrases you'll hear for at least six months after the horrible event.
Being hummed at by someone with magic hands while they knead your neck is good for the soul, but it won't make you giggle for days afterwards. In fact, the second the smiley therapist stops and says, 'You can put your robe on now, the hour is up,' the joy and wonder sort of leaves the room.
