I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.
Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem!
I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show.
Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.
I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.
I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.
I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing.
Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
I was completely nuts for most of my life.
Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
