Planes, Trains & Automobiles Quotes

Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
Neal: Yes.
Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! And you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking

Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a

fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car... right... fucking... now.
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh, boy.
Neal: Oh, boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: [narrows her eyes]

You're fucked.

Del: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real

article. What you see is what you get.

Neal: You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room, and someone who'll listen to your boring stories. I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like, hey, maybe this guy's not enjoying it? You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You

choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle! Your stories have none of that. They're not even amusing *accidentally*! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh, and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could sit there and listen to

them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Whoa." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back.

Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

[waking up after sharing the same bed on the motel]
Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?
Del: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal: [frowns] Where's your other hand?
Del: Between two pillows...
Neal: Those aren't pillows!
[they both leap out of bed, screaming and shaking

their hands in disgust]

Del: You play with your balls a lot.
Neal: I do NOT play with my balls.
Del: Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
Neal: Are you trying to start a fight?
Del: No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.

Neal: You know what'd make me happy?
Del: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?

Cab Dispatcher: Where are you going?
Neal: Chicago.
Cab Dispatcher: Chicago?
Neal: Yeah, Chicago.
Cab Dispatcher: You know you're in St. Louis?
Neal: Yes I do.
Cab Dispatcher: Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free

meal.
Neal: If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?
[the cab dispatcher punches him in the face]

State Trooper: What the hell are you driving here?
Del: We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.
State Trooper: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Del: Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to

see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.

Del: [speaking to self while sitting in the car while it snows] Well Marie, once again my dear, you were as right as rain. I am, with out a doubt, the biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike. I meet someone whose company I really enjoy, and what do I do? I go overboard. I smother the poor soul. I cause him more trouble than he has a right to. God, I got a big mouth.

When am I ever gonna wake up? I wish you were here with me right now. But... I guess that's not gonna happen. Not now, anyway.

Del: You know, when I'm dead and buried, all I'm gonna have around here to prove that I was here are some shower curtain rings that didn't fall down. Great legacy, huh?
Neal: At the very least, the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?
[Del is quiet]
Neal: You love her, don't you?

Del: Love... is not a big enough word. It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.
Neal: [raises drink] To the wives.
Del: To the wives!

[at breakfast Neal finds his wallet empty and gives Del a mean look]
Del: What?
Neal: You know goddamn well what!
Del: I'm sorry I don't
Neal: I had over 700 dollars in here.
Del: I didn't touch your dough Neal. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a thief.

Neal: Well you went into my stuff last night right?
Del: I didn't take your money! and I don't care for the accusation.
Neal: Well I had over 700 dollars in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to...
Del: [Places his wallet on the table] Count it!

Neal: Oh like you keep it in there if you stole it.
Del: There's 263 dollars in there. If there's a dollar more then you can call me a thief. Just count it.
Neal: [finds Del's wallet empty as wel] Empty.
Del: WHAT?
[Looks thru his wallet]
Del: We were robbed!

Neal: [Sarcastically] Do you think so?

Del: I know you don't I? I'm usually very good with names but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours.
Neal: You stole my cab.
Del: I never stole anything in my life.
Neal: I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon and before I could get in it. You stole it.
Del: You're the guy

who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour.
Neal: Forget it.
Del: I can't forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.
Neal: No thanks.

Del: Just a hot dog then.
Neal: I'm kinda picky about what I eat.
Del: Some coffee?
Neal: No.
Del: Milk?
Neal: No.
[becoming more annoyed]
Del: Soda?
Neal: No.
[annoyance rising]

Del: Tea?
Neal: No
Del: LifeSavers?
Neal: No.
Del: Slurpee?
Neal: Sir - please.
Del: Just let me know. I'm here.
[smiles, shaking his finger at Neal]
Del: I knew I knew ya!

[Neal and Del are watching their car burning and laughing]
Neal: How could you rent the thing without a credit card anyway? I mean you could but how could you?
Del: Oh I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings.
[laughs]
Neal: You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings Del.

Del: [Stops laughing] Well... your diner's club card wound up in my wallet and I just...
Neal: You STOLE it!
Del: Not exactly.
Neal: You stole it! I knew you stole it. You stole the card and then you rented a car and you burned it up! I knew you stole it.
Del: No I didn't! I found it in

my wallet! I thought maybe you put it there.
Neal: WHY WOULD I PUT IT THERE?
Del: Kindness.
Neal: KINDNESS! KINDNESS! You stole it! He stole it!
Del: No I didn't. I was going to send you the card back. With whatever the rental car charge was. Plus interest. But you didn't give me your address. You just

ditched me! I had no cards. I had no money. I had nothing!
Neal: [Grabs Del] Give it back!
Del: I can't!
Neal: Why not?
Del: Because!
Neal: Because why?
Del: Because when we stopped to gas up. I put the card in your wallet.
[Neal's wallet is in the

glove compartment in the now burning car]
Del: You're not mad at me are you?
Neal: [Punches Del in the stomach and trips over his trunk]

Neal: What's the flight situation?
Del: Simple. There's no way on earth we're going to get out of here tonight. We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.
Neal: I guess we'll find out soon enough.
Del: Yeah, but by the time the

airline cancels this flight, which they will sooner or later, you'd have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina than you would a hotel room.
Neal: Are you saying I could be *stuck* in Wichita?
Del: I'm saying you *are* stuck in Wichita.

Neal: Eh, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so...
Del: Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth... You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some

chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut... If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs...