Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.
[to Mr. Shirley]
Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?
Art: [a messenger delivers Clark's envelope with his "bonus", the family looks questioningly] What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?
Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd.
[another knock]
Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door!
[Several SWAT officers bust down the door]
Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.
Clark: What about the kids?
Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.
Mr. Frank Shirley: I have never been treated like this in my life.
Ellen: I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT!
[kicks wildly at the presents under the tree]
Clark: Whew, it's warm in here.
Mary: Well you have your coat on.
Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that?
Mary: Because it's cold out.
Clark: Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.
Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.
Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...Is innocent.
Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.
Ellen: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.
[after reaching the Griswolds' house]
Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?
Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margo: All right then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.
Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.
Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.
Art: It was an ugly tree anyway.
Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellen sticks her finger in the leak. Eddie leans over and sucks it off her finger]
Eddie: It's lime!
[Uncle Lewis lights his cigar accidentally burns the Christmas tree]
Clark: Lewis? My tree!
Uncle Lewis: So what's the matter with you?
Clark: Look what you've done to my tree!
Eddie: Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?
Clark: No, we missed out on that one.
