Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
[He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark]
Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.
[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.
Art: [after Clark has flipped out] You're goofy.
Clark: [Still flipped out] Don't piss me off, Art.
Eddie: [Referring to the electrocuted cat] If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all.
Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet...
Mrs. Helen Shirley: Yes officer, it seems my husband's been abducted. The man was, was wearing a blue leisure suit. Plates were from Kansas. He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.
[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays...
Clark: Goodnight Ellen
Ellen: Vacations, graduations...
Mr. Frank Shirley: [to Clark] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police!
Eddie: Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea.
Mr. Frank Shirley: All right, he's still fired. And, *you*, are going to jail!
Mr. Frank Shirley: Sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it, you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So, Carl... whatever you got last year, add... 20%.
[Clark faints]
Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No shit.
Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.
Clark: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.
Clark: [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.
Clark: I think you've made a terrible mistake.
SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister.
Clark: May we blink?
Ellen: Clark! I don't want to spend the Holidays dead!
