Monty Python's Life of Brian Quotes

Blood and Thunder Prophet: [screaming] ... and the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...
False Prophet: [yelling] ... for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed

sword. NINE-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...
Boring Prophet: ...there shall, in that time, be *rumors* of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really

know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that...

Brian's mother: What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
Brian's mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
Brian's mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man

#3: No, no, that's just him.
Brian's mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea,

brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian: What?
Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with

drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.

[under the cover of darkness, Brian sneaks up to a statue and starts painting Latin grafitti on the plinth of a statue; he is caught in the act by a centurion who gives him a Latin grammar lesson]
Centurion: What's this, then? "Romanes Eunt Domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the house"?
Brian: It says "Romans, Go Home".

Centurion: No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on!
Brian: "Romanus".
Centurion: Goes like?
Brian: "Annus"?
Centurion: Vocative plural of "annus" is?
Brian: "Anni"?
Centurion: "Romani".
[the centurion corrects the first

line of Brian's grafitti]
Centurion: "Eunt". What is "eunt"?
Brian: "Go".
Centurion: Conjugate the verb "to go".
Brian: "Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt".
Centurion: So "eunt" is?
Brian: Third person plural present indicative. "They go".

Centurion: But "Romans, go home" is an *order*, so you must use the...?
Brian: The imperative!
Centurion: Which is?
Brian: Um, oh, oh, "i".
Centurion: How many Romans?
Brian: Plural. "Ite".
Centurion: "Ite".
[the centurion corrects

the second line of Brian's grafitti]
Centurion: "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home". This is motion towards, isn't it, Brian?
Brian: Dative!
[the centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's neck]
Brian: No, not dative! Accusative! Accusative! "Domum", sir. "Ad domum".
Centurion: Except that

"domus" takes the...
Brian: The locative, sir.
Centurion: Which is?
Brian: "Domum".
Centurion: "Domum".
[the centurion corrects the last line of Brian's grafitti]
Centurion: Understand?
Brian: Yes, sir.
Centurion: Now write

it out a hundred times.
Brian: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion: Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

Mrs. Big Nose: [a crowd is listening to Jesus speak] Don't pick your nose!
Mr. Big Nose: I wasn't pickin' my nose! I was scratchin' it!
Mrs. Big Nose: You was pickin' it, while you was talkin' to that lady!
Mr. Big Nose: I wasn't!
Mrs. Big Nose: Leave it alone! Give it a rest!

Stan: Do you mind? I can't 'ear a word he's sayin'!
Mrs. Big Nose: Don't you 'Do you mind' me! I was talkin' to my 'usband!
Stan: Well, go and talk to 'im somewhere else! I can't 'ear a bloody thing!
Mr. Big Nose: Don't you swear at my wife!
Stan: I was only askin' 'er to shut up, so we

can 'ear what he's sayin', 'Big Nose'.
Mrs. Big Nose: Don't you call my 'usband 'Big Nose'!
Stan: Well, he 'as got a big nose!
Man #1: [trying to hear Jesus] Would you be quiet, please. What was that?
Stan: I don't know; I was too busy talkin' to 'Big Nose'.
Man #2: I think it was: 'Blessed are the

cheese-makers'!
Wife: What's so special about the cheese-makers?
Husband: Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of... dairy products.
Stan: See? If you 'adn't been goin' on, we'd 'ave 'eard that, 'Big Nose'!
Mr. Big Nose: Say that once more - I'll smash your bloody face in!

Stan: Better keep listening; might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Big Noses'.
Brian: Lay off him!
Stan: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk-face... Where are you two from? 'Nose City'?
Mr. Big Nose: One more time, mate! I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!
Mrs. Big Nose: Language!

And don't pick your nose!

Mr. Big Nose: I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Parvus: Oh, yeah?
Mr. Big Nose: Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Parvus: No?
Mr. Big Nose: I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Parvus: Shut up, you Jewish turd!

Mr. Big Nose: Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
Gregory: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.

[On the run from Roman soldiers, Brain lands on a public stage prophets. Brian quickly decides to disgues himself as one]
Brian: [Unsure and stuttering] Don't... pass judgement... on other people, or you might be judged yourself.
Passer-by: [as if shocked] What?
Brian: I said, don't pass judgement on others or you might be

judged yourself.
Passer-by: [in small, squeaky voice] Who me? Oh, Thank you very much!