Monty Python's Life of Brian Quotes

Ben the Prisoner: Quite the jailer's pet, are we?
Brian: What do you mean?
Ben the Prisoner: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
Brian: Slipped him a few shekels-you saw him spit in my face!
Ben the Prisoner: Oh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang

awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian: Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!
Ben the Prisoner: Manacles! Ooooh, my idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles. Just for a few hours... they must think the sun shines out your ass, sonny.

Boring Prophet: There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed

by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.

Matthias: [Answering the summons of the door] My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes?
Centurion: There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
[the guards troop into the house]
Matthias: ...Nose is knackered.
Centurion: Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
Matthias:

Crucifixion's a doddle.
Centurion: ...Don't keep saying that.
Lead Search Guard: [Guards troop out, last guard pauses] Found this spoon, sir.
Centurion: Well done, Sergeant!
Centurion: We'll be back... Oddball...

Follower: Excuse me, are you a virgin?
Brian's mother: I beg your pardon?
Follower: Well, if it's not a personal question - are you a virgin?
Brian's mother: If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!
[shuts the windows]
Follower: She is.

[the crowd nods in agreement]

Francis: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan: I want to be one.
Reg: What?
Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
Reg: What?
Stan: It's my right as a man.
Judith: Well, why do you want to be

Loretta, Stan?
Stan: I want to have babies.
Reg: You want to have babies?
Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But... you can't have babies!
Stan: Don't you oppress me!
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan! You haven't got a

womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Stan: [starts to cry]

Brian: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and

excuse my French, sir.

[Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door]
Brian's mother: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye.
[Three wise men leave]
Brian's mother: Well, weren't

they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.

Francis: We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Commando Xerxes: What exactly are the demands?
Reg: We're giving Pilate two

days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.