104 Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes (2026) #4

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Tom: Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
Nick the Greek: It's what?
Tom: It's kosher. As Christmas.
Nick the Greek: The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Paul: Come take a look at this.
Traffic Warden: Take a look at what, exactly?
Paul: Well, the van's half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it,
[knocks him out]
Paul: and I'm off.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

"Hatchet" Harry: It's about time you paid our young friends a visit, Chris. Today's the day and mum's the word, and I can't have that, can I?
Big Chris: No, 'Arry, you can't.
"Hatchet" Harry: I mean, it's a liberty. And I can't have liberties taken, can I, Barry?
Barry the Baptist: No, 'Arry, you can't.

"Hatchet" Harry: I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole. And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys?
Big Chris, Barry the Baptist: No, 'Arry, you can't.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Soap: You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
Tom: They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?
Soap: You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're

a dick.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

JD: So, you in the clear? More importantly, am I?
Eddie: It appears so.
JD: Appears? You'd have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.
Eddie: Well everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about as clear as it can get.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Plank: A bunch of Public Schoolboys, soft as shite.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Soap: OY! Keep your fingers out of my soup!

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Soap: Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
Tom: That would be the same man, yes.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Eddie: Soap, don't be such a mincer.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Rory Breaker: Your stupidity may be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek: Uuugh?
Rory Breaker: Don't "uuugh" me, Greek boy!

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Eddie: Can we lock up and get drunk now?

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Tom: They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Tom: [after having just robbed Dog and his crew] Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?
Soap: When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Eddie: Bacon, see what we've got.
Bacon: Let's have a butcher's, eh?
[as he inspects their loot]
Bacon: We've hit the jackpot,

lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
Tom: What?
[Bacon holds up an unconscious man]
Tom: Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!
Bacon: I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?

Eddie: I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Bacon: Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
Eddie: I don't know! Use your imagination!
[Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain]
Tom: Don't touch him up! Knock him

out!
Bacon: I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out.
Eddie: I fucking hate traffic wardens.
[after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless]

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Dean: [after seeing Gary holding a candle under the house owner's feet] Whoa, whoa Kenny! What are you doing?
Gary: I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
Dean: You twat! Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't even afford new furniture! We've got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a

job, you have to go burning people's feet, whats wrong with you?

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Tom: I want to look fucking mean!
Nick the Greek: Of course you'll look mean! You'll look really scary...

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Dog: Golf - the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Eddie: [Entering Harry's office with corpses lying around] Oh no. Not again.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Rory Breaker: We're gonna do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Soap: I don't think it's the right move.
Eddie: It's either that, the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily. I'm gonna phone him.
Bacon: As if he'll care.
Eddie: He'll care alright, that was supposed to be his money. Whether he cares about us or not is different.