I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have.
None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.
I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny.
By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat.
I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.
I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.
I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey.
I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs.
I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger.
Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show.
I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived.
What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes.
I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook.
Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump.
William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever.
Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.
By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there?
You have to really be on your own side.
In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.
