That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.
Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong.
I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know.
Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts.
I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'
The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with.
I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years.
I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.
With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.
Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it.
Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.
What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that.
I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built.
Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.
I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too.
I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap.
I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.
We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate.
If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.
