I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
I love comedy. God has given me this platform.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
I really don't require a whole lot in life.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre.
There's no down time any more.
