Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
