Stewie Griffin: [trying to get Brian's attention] Look, I'm writing profanity on the walls!
[Stewie has written "poppycock"]
[during the preview for the new action movie about Jesus]
TV Announcer: This July, let He who is without sin kick the first ass.
Peter Griffin: Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
Lois Griffin: [talking to Chris] We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin: She's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Jesus: [talking about a gun] You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker: [takes out a joint] You know how to use one of these?
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.
Peter Griffin: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.
Adam West: [after killing a Noid that ruined most of his pizza] Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.
Chris Griffin: You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!
Meg Griffin: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris Griffin: Then how come I've never heard of it?
Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
Peter Griffin: Do you have any past injuries, physical anomalies?
Peter Griffin: Well, I didn't have gas for the first time 'til I was 30.
[flashback to Peter in the 1970s, sitting on a beanbag reading]
Peter Griffin: [farting noise]
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
[the Griffins have been invited for dinner at the Campbells, a family of nudists]
Dotty Campbell: Peter, can I get you a beer? I've got Bush.
[Peter unwillingly looks down at Dotty's crotch]
Dotty Campbell: Oh, and Bush Lite.
Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin: Do... do I rub his nose in it?
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
