Never put a sock in a toaster.
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.
I'm a one-man idiot.
Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.
I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.
Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
