Dogma Quotes

Jay: [Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob are sitting in a diner; the guys are staring at Bethany expectantly] So what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry, may I ask what brought you here?
Jay:

Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick, "16 Candles". Not bad, there's tits in it but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing, 'cause he's like, all in love with this John Hughes guy.
[Silent Bob shakes his head with a

"whatever" look on his face]
Jay: He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't, 'cause it's a PG movie. And then "Pretty in Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch

anymore 'cause every time he gets to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep.
[Silent Bob blows out his cigarette smoke angrily]
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these

movies take place in this small town called Shermer in Illinois, where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh.
[he and Silent Bob bump fists]
Jay: But best of all, there was no one dealin', man. And then it hits me: we could live like FAT rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois.

So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There IS no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.

Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth, those are leaps of faith. But to

believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.

Loki: Wait, so all I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing... and then I can go back home?
Bartleby: No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die.
Loki: Die? I don't wanna die!
Bartleby: What, you'd rather hang around here for a few more eons?

Loki: No! We don't even know if we CAN die.
[Bartleby looks exasperated]
Loki: All right, but what if we can and then, and then the arch thing doesn't work? What then? Hell? Fuck that.
Bartleby: It's possible.
Loki: Fuck that!
Bartleby: If we cut off our wings, transubstantiate

to complete human form, we become mortal. If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out. We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home.
Loki: Who sent the paper?
Bartleby: Who cares who sent the paper? All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole! They can't keep us out anymore! And once we get

back in, I'm sure they'll just forgive and forget.
Loki: But this thing is, this is... this is... this is church law. It's not divine mandate. Catholic Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
Bartleby: One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first Pope, by the Son of God before He left was... "Whatever you hold true on

earth..."
Loki: "I'll hold true in heaven."
Bartleby: It's dogmatic law. The Catholic Church says it's so, God must adhere, this thing has a papal sanction...
Loki: Let it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
Bartleby: You can't be anal-retentive if

you don't have an anus.
Loki: Outstanding work!

Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were

supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the

morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls

from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member]
Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers

something in Whitland's ear]
Loki: You're his father, you sick fuck.
[Whitland starts crying]