Dogma
Dogma

[about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict]
Jay: What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
Azrael: No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons.

[mockingly]
Serendipity: Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!
Azrael: Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.
Serendipity: No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why

he's The King, and you're a schmuck.

Dogma
Dogma

Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: All right,

mistakes were made.

Dogma
Dogma

[about the protesters outside the Abortion Clinic]
Liz: You're Catholic, can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you. At least you have an excuse, you're Jewish, you don't know any better.
Liz: I don't think they'd accept that one, we used that one already when we killed Christ.

Dogma
Dogma

Bartleby: You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass.
Loki: The major sins never change. Besides, you know, I can spot a commandment-breaker from, like, a mile away. So, bet on it.


Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet about what was gonna be the bigger movie - "E. T. " or "Krush Groove"?
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one.
[brief pause]
Loki: What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?

Bartleby: Insinuating, no. Flat-out telling you.

Dogma
Dogma

Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Dogma
Dogma

[Silent Bob hits Azrael in the chest with a blessed golf-club - his chest shatters, revealing black ooze]
Azrael: But I'm a fuckin' demon.

Dogma
Dogma

Loki: Consequences schmonsequences.

Dogma
Dogma

Loki: Whose house? Run's house! I said whose house? Run's house! who's house say what run's house say what Martin! Martin!

Dogma
Dogma

Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats G-d as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.

Dogma
Dogma

Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!
[he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate]
Bartleby: Wings, now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here...
Bartleby: DO IT!

Dogma
Dogma

Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my

companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...
[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]

Dogma
Dogma

Serendipity: Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can see, I lack definition.
Jay: [off the screen] Hey! They're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!

Dogma
Dogma

Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

Dogma
Dogma

Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Dogma
Dogma

Jay: [waking from a dream] I didn't cum on you, Pete, I swear.

Dogma
Dogma

[after Rufus has fallen from the sky]
Bethany: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, is it?
Rufus: Yes, Rufus it is. It's usually 'Long Rufus' but it's a little cold out here, you understand

Dogma
Dogma

Bethany: You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?
Jay: You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own fucking business.

Dogma
Dogma

Bartleby: Don't... See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I've heard a rant

like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you fucking do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morning star.
Bartleby: You shut your fucking mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about fucking *war* on *God* Well,

*fuck* that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin
Bartleby: [Slams Loki into a wall] We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.

Dogma
Dogma

Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucken pube-less asses!

Dogma
Dogma

[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]
Bethany: I want to go with you.
Jay: What, steady? You want to be my girlfriend OK, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.