Deadpool: LOOK! I'm a teenage girl, I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silence! So what's it gonna be: long sullen silence or mean comment? Go on, take your pick.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: ...You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: AH-HAA!
Deadpool: [Cutting off his arm and spraying blood in Colussus' face] Are you there God? It's me, Margaret!
[the one scene where they don't have sex]
Wade Wilson: Happy Lent.
Vanessa Carlysle: Happy Lent dear.
Vanessa Carlysle: I've played a lot of roles, damsel in distress ain't one of them.
[punches Ajax]
Weasel: [looking for Vanessa] Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?
Wade Wilson: [to self] Fuck me!
Weasel: Uh, maybe not start with that.
Wade Wilson: [Looking at a text from Ajax] What is that?
Weasel: That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.
Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?
Wade Wilson: Let's recap: the cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today... arm... Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.
Deadpool: [to Vanessa] If I never see you again, know that I love you.
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson.
Wade Wilson: How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.
Ajax: Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
Wade Wilson: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
[first lines]
Deadpool: Kinda lonesome back here.
[wedges himself through the Plexiglas opening between the back seat and the front]
Deadpool: Yeah, little help.
Wade Wilson: Vanessa's already working on plan's A, B, through Z. Me? I'm trying to memorize the details of her face, like it's the first time I'm seeing it... or the last.
Deadpool: [to The Recruiter] Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the foot long... Fully loaded.
Colossus: Do you have off switch?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?
Deadpool: Cock-Shot!
Strip Club DJ: Hey. Coming on to our stage right now... give it up for Chastity!
Weasel: Or as I like to call her... Irony.
