Deadpool: [Punches Colussus in the groin, breaking his hand] Ahhh! Your poor wife!
[Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass]
Deadpool: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!
Wade Wilson: Here, check it out. She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I'm sure they're all FDA approved. Chechnya, isn't that where you go to get cancer? You got China and Central Mexico. You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?
Weasel: No.
Wade Wilson: El cancer.
Deadpool: [Shoving car's cigarette lighter into goon's mouth] I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!
Deadpool: Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment - right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.
Weasel: [to Blind Al] Wanna get fucked up?
Deadpool: I didn't just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.
Deadpool: I didn't ask to be super, and I'm no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.
Deadpool: [shot in the butt] Right up Main Street.
Wade Wilson: [voiceover, after Vanessa has agreed to marry him] Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.
[Wade collapses]
[Looking at his slowly regrowing 'baby hand']
Wade Wilson: I bet it feels huge in this hand.
[repeated line]
Deadpool: Maximum effort.
Deadpool: [to Colossus] You, go be a big brother to someone! And tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn!
Strip Club DJ: You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!
Deadpool: [Ripping his own underwear out of his pants to make a white flag] Look away! LOOK AWAY CHILD!
Deadpool: Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you're all going to have to share!
Deadpool: [looks at the screen] Cue the music.
Deadpool: [his head smashed into back of driver's seat] Rich Corinthian leather.
