Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Quotes

[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks

like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long,

smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: Willie.

Willie: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel: Johnson.
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

Scott: [both on the Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott!
Scott: Why did you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
[audience boos]
Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's

true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.

Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: You have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Dr. Evil.
Felicity Shagwell: [Surprised] That was easy.
Austin: That was easy.

Felicity Shagwell: Why did you tell us?
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Damn, three times. He's hiding in his secret volcano lair.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: [spits] I spit at that question.
Austin: Do I

really have to ask you two more times?
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me!
Felicity Shagwell: Ah ha! You have to answer. He asked you three times.
Mustafa: No no no! The second question

was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin: He's right.

Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...
Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...
Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?
Friendly Son: Dad, what's

that?
Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...
Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...
Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!

Cyclops: RARRR.
Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...
Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?
Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Fan: It's so huge.
Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...
Dr. Evil: Just

a little prick.

Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
[snaps fingers]

Dr. Evil: Mmhmm.
The President: Whose girlfriend?
Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I've heard that somewhere.

Dr Evil: Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, or save your girlfriend.
Felicity Shagwell: Austin!
Past Austin: Felicity!
Felicity Shagwell: Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
Austin: [arrives from the time machine] I choose love, baby!

Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you?
Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now.
Past Austin: Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
Austin: [laughs] I was just thinking the same.
Past Austin: We are sexy!
Austin: We are sexy bitches, yes!
Dr

Evil: Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!

Fat Bastard: Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.
[on the verge of tears]
Fat Bastard: I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I

eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself.
Fat Bastard: [Farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead.

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.
Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
Scott: Nothing.
Scott: [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.

Dr. Evil: Bless you.

[first lines]
Narrator: [text is rendered in the manner of a "Star Wars" opening crawl] Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and defrosted in the Nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil. After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down

with his new wife, Vanessa, to live happily ever after. Or so he thought...