Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

My first car was a motorcycle.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

I am not a good cue card reader.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

Adam Carolla
Adam Carolla

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.