Ted: He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!
Warren: [as Ted is being taken on a stretcher to the ambulance] He was masturbating! He was masturbating!
Norm: How are the twins?
Stripper: Fuck you, Norm!
Norm: Hey, I love it when you talk dirty to me, man!
[Mary's rival suitors - Ted, Pat, Dom, and Norm - are confronting her and each other in her home]
Norm: Oh, man, this is like group therapy or somethin'!
Mary: [about Pat] I know he's a little different, but that's what I like about him. He dresses like a complete dork, he chews with his mouth open, he hardly ever says the right thing, and probably farts, too.
Tucker: Oh, that's what you're looking for, is it? A farter?
Mary: No, I'm looking for a guy.
Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?
Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.
Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.
Ted: I had my window?
[first lines]
Ted: [voice over] When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.
Pat Healy: [after hearing Tucker's conversation with Mary] You're gonna pay, fucker.
Sully: You would not believe all the pussy down here. lt's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Healy: Yeah? You getting any?
Sully: Nothing.
Ted: See... that's great. That's what I want. A family and somebody to... you know... it must be wonderful having all this.
Dom: Each day is better than the next.
