There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?
Mary: Didn't we just do that?
Ted: Oh, uh...
Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

[spying on Mary]
Pat Healy: Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Ted: I think I still want to look her up.
Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?
Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.
Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

[to her girlfriends]
Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat hot dogs, I'm talking sausage hot dogs and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda: Hmm... a fatty who likes golf and beer. Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?


There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?
Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.
Ted: With who?
Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.
Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
Pat Healy: It *was*. They're changing their image.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Mary: You've been to Nepal?
Pat Healy: Not in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Magda: The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

[Ted has just learned that Dom was Mary's high school boyfriend, for a short time, but now Dom wants to get Mary back for himself]
Ted: But you're married! You have a wife, beautiful kids!
Dom: [rolls his eyes up to the ceiling] Ted, if you love them so much, please, be my guest!

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

[Pointing to large dog in back seat]
Pat Healy: Does he bite?
Sully: A little bit. Get in.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Jonathan: His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. / His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. / They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo, / But there's something about Mary that they don't know. / Mary, there's just something about Mary.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Mary: Is that... is that hair gel?

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Mary: Did you really mean what you said up there?
Ted: Uh-huh. I just want you to be happy Mary.
Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.
Ted: You're fucking with me, right?
[Shakes her head, while smiling]
Ted: What about Brett Favv-ruh?
Mary: What did I tell

you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan.
[Ted laughd, then blows out a breath while walking towards Mary, and then they kiss]

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

[while Mary's suitors are quarreling, Brett Favre comes into the room, giving Warren a piggyback ride]
Brett Favre: Hi, Mary!
Mary: [astonished] Brett?
Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass.
Ted: Yeah, I

called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.
[Norm, Dom and Pat ease over to the window, apparently afraid of Brett Favre]
Ted: Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you

should be with.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?
Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Ted: I say they should put more meats on a stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets on sticks-popsicles, fudgesicles, lollipops - but hardly any meat.
Mary: I agree there should be more.
Ted: You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a cone. You could put corned beef hash in a cone, or chopped liver.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Norm: How the hell do you think I got rid of the last guy, Brett?
Ted: Wait, Brett? Are you saying that Brett didn't say those things about Warren?
Norm: Are you shittin' me? Mr. Goody-Two shoes? He was like an Eagle Scout. Wait a minute, you two should be kissing my fucking hairy bean bag, you know cuz if it wasn't for me she might

of married that schmuck.
Ted: I feel sick. Both of you are just... I'm out of here.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Ted: What about Brett Fav... ruh?

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Dom: Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

Dom: Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.

There's Something About Mary
There's Something About Mary

[Ted, Pat, and Tucker have all gone gaga over Mary]
Pat Healy: [to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this fuck
[Ted]
Pat Healy: outta the fuckin' picture!