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Mike O' Donnell: Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt

so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on.
[pretending to read a letter to

Scarlet in divorce court]

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Mike O' Donnell: When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.
[Talking to Maggie on the bleachers]

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Stan: [Mike tries to stand up to Stan's bullying for Alex] Give me my ball back bitch.
Mike O' Donnell: You know Stan I feel sorry for you.
Stan: You don't know me.
Mike O' Donnell: Oh, but I do all too well. You're the man. Captain of the basketball team, dates the pretty girls, high school is your kingdom.

But people, Stan is a bully. Why? It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simply because he's a dick. No... no... Stan here is much more complex than that. See, according to leading psychiatrists, Stan is a bully for one of three reasons...
Mike O' Donnell: [while playing with Stan's basketball] One... underneath all that male bravado, there's an insecure little

girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. Two... like a caveman, Stan's brain is underdeveloped. Therefore, Stan is unable to use self-control. And so he acts out aggressively. Three... Stan has a small wiener. Don't hurt yourself, big boy.

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Mike O' Donnell: [after being transformed] Come on, man! Don't you ever wanna go back and do high school again?
Ned Freedman: No. I'm rich and no one has shoved my head in a toilet today!

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[from trailer]
Ned Freedman: What are you eating?
Mike O' Donnell: I don't even know, all I know is that I'm hungry...
[squrits Cheez-Whiz into his mouth]
Mike O' Donnell: ... *all* the time.

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Mike O' Donnell: [the girls are mercilessly trying to seduce him] Listen, girls. If you don't respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?
Lauren: Don't respect me.
Samantha: No! Don't respect *me*.
Jaime: You don't even have to remember my name!
Lauren: [In shock] Okay,

wow.
Samantha: Yeah, that's like, *really* slutty.

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Alex O'Donnell: [In the school restroom] Uh... can I get a little help in here?
Mike O' Donnell: Alex? How did this? Who did this to you?
Alex O'Donnell: The basketball team.
Mike O' Donnell: But why? You're one of them, you're popular
Alex O'Donnell: Look this is kinda personal and I

don't know you.
Mike O' Donnell: I'm sorry, I'm Mark Gold, your uncle Ned's kid. I just started here.
Alex O'Donnell: Oh... cool... cool. Yeah, I'd shake your hand, but it's taped to my ass.

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Ned Freedman: I think our hands just made a baby.

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Mike O' Donnell: [meets Scarlett's date] Carnations? What a douche!
Scarlett O'Donnell: Mark!
Dean: That's okay, I'm a single dad. It's totally normal for son's to feel weird with their mom's date. Stepping in their dad's shoes protecting their castle.
Scarlett O'Donnell: He's not my son.

Dean: Oh, then that's weird.
Scarlett O'Donnell: It is.

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Alex O'Donnell: [after watching Mike dance with Scarlet] Do you dance with all your friends' moms?
Mike O' Donnell: [Walking away casually] Pretty much...

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Alex O'Donnell: [introducing young mike to his mother for the first time] Hey mom this is Mark, Uncle Ned's bastard.
Scarlett O'Donnell: Wow...
Alex O'Donnell: I know someone had a kid with Uncle Ned
[shudders]
Alex O'Donnell: .

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Ned Gold: I can't act normal.
Principal Jane Masterson: Clearly.
Ned Gold: I'm just trying to impress you. I don't come to places like this. I'm a dork. I'm the kind of person who spends $10,000 on Gandalf the Grey's quarterstaff from the Two Towers.
Principal Jane Masterson: Yes that does make you a dork.

Especially since Gandalf the Grey only appears in Fellowship. He returns in Two Towers as Gandalf the White.

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Mike O' Donnell: I had the craziest dream. I was 17. I was back in high school. It was terrible. Mmmm. Scar.
Maggie O'Donnell: Scar? I don't see a scar. Look i know why you didn't want me to be with Stan. It's because you wanted me.
[Mike bolts straight up and falls to the floor]
Maggie O'Donnell: .
Maggie

O'Donnell: Oh! You wanna play games? I can play games.
Mike O' Donnell: Nononononono...
Maggie O'Donnell: I'm a hungry lioness, and your a baby gizell
Mike O' Donnell: [Mike gets chased around the room by Maggie] MaggieMaggieMaggieMaggie... nononononononono...
Mike O' Donnell: If you only knew

how inappropriate and disfunctional this is. Stop it okay.
Mike O' Donnell: Maggie, I'm not the person. I'm not the person that you think I am.
Maggie O'Donnell: You're right. You're not. You're good. You're not like the others.
Mike O' Donnell: [Starting to hyperventilate] Not like the others. I'm very, very different. So

different in fact that you and I could never, never ever ever be together. Stop Maggie.
Maggie O'Donnell: Oh! Oh my god. What? What are you saying? Are you confused?
Mike O' Donnell: I'm very confused. Yes, I'm extremely confused.
Maggie O'Donnell: Oh my god, I... I... I get it now. Your hair is always perfectly quaffed and

you have highlighs.
Mike O' Donnell: What are you talking about?
Maggie O'Donnell: I mean, dude your jeans are *really* tight.
Mike O' Donnell: I'm not *gay*. I'm in love, Maggie. I'm... I'm in love. I've been in love with the same girl since i was 17, Maggie.
Maggie O'Donnell: Does she go to our

school?
Mike O' Donnell: ...No...
Mike O' Donnell: Do I know her?
Mike O' Donnell: ...No...
Maggie O'Donnell: Tell me her name
Mike O' Donnell: No, Maggie, No.
Maggie O'Donnell: Okay, but you tell your girlfriend to keep a close eye on you.

Mike O' Donnell: Sweet baby Jesus.

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Ned Freedman: It's a classic transformation story. Are you now or have you ever been a Norse God, Vampire, or Time Traveling Cyborg?
Mike O' Donnell: I have know you since what, first grade? I think that maybe I would have told you!
Ned Freedman: Vampire wouldn't tell, Cyborg wouldn't know.

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Mike O'Donnell: Look, try to see things from my point of view. I'm extremely disappointed with my life!
Scarlett O'Donnell: I never asked you to marry me!
Mike O'Donnell: Yeah, but i did.
Scarlett O'Donnell: Well, you don't have to do me any favors then. We're not gonna hold each other back anymore. okay?

Mike O'Donnell: Scar...
Scarlett O'Donnell: I'll see you in court

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Ned Gold: [looks at mike's clothes] What are you wearing?
Mike O' Donnell: This is cool. This is hip. There's a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the exact same thing. What are you wearing? You're supposed to show up like a dad, you look like Clay Aiken
Ned Gold: Leave him out of this.

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Mike O' Donnell: See you later N*eye*omi!
Naomi: It's N*ay*omi!
Mike O' Donnell: Don't care.

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Ned Freedman: You look like a douche.
Mike O'Donnell: I do not look like a *douche*.
Guy from School: [in background referring to Mike O'Donnell] What a douche.

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Stan: [after Mike's speech about abstinence and making love, the girls put the free condoms back in the basket] I don't need this.
Stan: [grabs a bunch of condoms from the basket] Great, fine. more for me, i got enough for the whole weekend.

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Mike O' Donnell: Alex, what happened at the tryouts? How did it go?
Alex O'Donnell: It was good, Mark had a great tryout he played great.
Mike O' Donnell: Yeah.
Alex O'Donnell: And so did I, I made the team!
Scarlett O'Donnell: Oh, that's great I'm so proud of you!
[hugs Alex]


Mike O' Donnell: [joins them] You looked great out there.
Scarlett O'Donnell: Oh Mark that's super inappropriate.