The Other Guys Quotes

Terry Hoitz: We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop'. Okay? It's the oldest game in the book for a reason - it works. I come strong, then you come in. You got it?
Allen Gamble: Yeah.
Terry Hoitz: I come strong, then you come in.
Allen Gamble: Right. Got it.
Terry Hoitz: [to Ershon] Now you

listen to me, you piece of shit! It's just you and me, and I'm gonna rip you apart! How did you cover your losses up? Huh? What drug cartel are you working with now?
David Ershon: Okay, I'll talk to you,
[pointing at Allen]
David Ershon: you're reasonable!
Terry Hoitz: [shaking him] No-no, look at me!

Allen Gamble: Yeah? You wanna talk to me?
[pushes Terry away and storms on Ershon]
Terry Hoitz: Allen, what are you doing?
Allen Gamble: [yells at Ershon] I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!
[runs around smashing his office]
Allen Gamble: [next scene, Allen and Terry are walking

outside] Look, I'm really sorry about that. I just... I saw how aggressive you were being, and I thought 'Wow, I gotta go even bigger than that since we're doing 'Bad cop, bad cop'.
Terry Hoitz: What? No, I said 'Good cop, bad cop'. I'm the bad cop, you're the good cop.
Allen Gamble: Okay, then there it is. That's it. I thought you said 'Bad cop, bad

cop'.

Terry Hoitz: [Hoitz telling Gamble his duck joke] Little boy on his 13th birthday, it's time to get laid.
Allen Gamble: Already feels inappropriate.
Terry Hoitz: So he goes to the lady at the barn and says, "Miss, I know you usually want money, but I don't have any money. It's my birthday, do you think I could have sex with you for

this duck?"
Allen Gamble: Was he a farmer? Because that's probably a health code violation to bring a duck into a place of prostitution.
Terry Hoitz: They weren't going to have sex with duck!
Allen Gamble: No, I just mean a health code violation to have the duck brought into a facility like that.
Terry

Hoitz: So anyway, she says "Yes, I'll do it." So he goes in there and gives it to her.
Allen Gamble: He gives her what?
Terry Hoitz: The high hard one, and she loves it! So she goes, "If you do that again, I'll give you your duck back". So he gets laid twice for free!
Allen Gamble: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. So the duck

is payment for sexual intercourse?
Terry Hoitz: Yes, he used it as payment and now he's getting paid back the duck. He says, "Oh my God this is the greatest birthday ever!" He does it again. Now he's walking home, right?...
Allen Gamble: So she was satisfied with the duck as currency?
[Nods his head]
Allen Gamble: Okay.

Terry Hoitz: So he's walking home, and can't wait to get home to tell his father. So he's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, 'Vroom!' A truck comes by and runs over his duck! Kills the duck!
Allen Gamble: Kills the duck? So the duck is now dead?
Terry Hoitz: The duck is dead! The kid starts crying, the

truck driver stops, he's all upset, he didn't mean-.
Allen Gamble: [Interrupts] Of course he's crying, he's a 13 year old boy who just had sex twice and just watched his beloved duck die. So far I don't see how this is ever going to be funny.
Terry Hoitz: The guy feels so bad about killing the duck so he gives him two dollars.
Allen

Gamble: And the kid's happy with the two bucks?
Terry Hoitz: He's ecstatic! He got laid twice and now he's got two dollars on top of it!
Allen Gamble: Seems like a duck would be worth a lot more than two dollars.
Terry Hoitz: Well this was awhile back. So he goes home and his dad says "What happened, what happened?

Tell me, tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a fuck for the duck, I got a duck for the fuck, and I got two bucks for a fucked up duck!"
Allen Gamble: So it's like a limerick.
Terry Hoitz: You didn't think that was funny?
Allen Gamble: I thought it was entertaining at the end, sure. The way all the words were put together, but in

terms of content? No.
Allen Gamble: [sighs] Get the check.

Allen Gamble: [Terry picks up his computer screen and throws it on the floor] What are you doing?
Terry Hoitz: We just handed all of our evidence over to the bad guy's lawyer!
Allen Gamble: [In his Gator voice] Are you a big man? Huh? I'm talkin' to you!
Terry Hoitz: [All confused] What?
Allen

Gamble: Do you wake up in the mornin' and say, "I'm puttin on my big boy pants. Look, I'm wearin' a belt. I got big boy pants on."
[stomps on broken screen]
Allen Gamble: We don't do that shit!
Terry Hoitz: Stop! Stop it man, you're scarin' the shit outta me man, stop it!
Allen Gamble: Is this how you conduct

yourself... in a democracy?

Mama Ramos: Hello, Allen.
Allen Gamble: Hello Mama Ramos, what are you doing out here?
Mama Ramos: Sheila says she doesn't know what happened, but she wants you back.
Allen Gamble: Ohh...
Mama Ramos: She also says... she wants you on top of her... holding her hair and riding her like a

bucking bronco while she... sucks your thumb and says, "Mommy likey."
Allen Gamble: You... you tell your daughter...
Mama Ramos: [In house] He said he'll always love you and he's so happy that you're having his child.
Dr. Sheila Gamble: Oh. Allen...
Mama Ramos: He also says... that he wants you to stare

into each other's eyes without blinking while you do it...
Dr. Sheila Gamble: I love when we do that, Mom.
Mama Ramos: ...and then afterward... lick the sweat off each other. I don't want to do this. You say things that are too personal.
Dr. Sheila Gamble: OK, but just one more thing...
Mama Ramos: [Out

on street] She says she loves you, and wants to hold your hand, and have iced tea with you.
Allen Gamble: Come on, that's not all she said.
Mama Ramos: No. She says other things. But I don't want...
Allen Gamble: Please, please, please. You don't realize, I may be killed tomorrow.
Mama Ramos: OK. She

says she wants to unplug all the clocks... and the phones... and have a three-day sex marathon.
Allen Gamble: That's more like it, yeah.
Mama Ramos: She wants to walk wrong for a week... because you guys did it so hard.
Allen Gamble: That's just lovely.
Mama Ramos: [In house] No more! He says things I

can't say! It involves a mannequin hand... and an electric shaver... taped to a golf club!

Dirty Mike: How you fellas doin'? We about to have us a little screw party in this red Prius over here if you wanna join us.
Allen Gamble: Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the Boys?
Dirty Mike: How you know who we are?
Allen Gamble: You left a note in that car!
Terry Hoitz: [shows his badge]

Police, shithead.
Dirty Mike: He's a copper, we gotta go. C'mon! Hey, grease it, boys! They're cops!
[He and the Boys run off]
Allen Gamble: You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!
Dirty Mike: We are gonna have sex in your car! It will happen again!

Bob Littleford: Hey, guys. There's a proxy vote for a big reinvestment of the pension coming up, so if you just wanna come by the old...
Terry Hoitz: Damn it, Bob! Let me ask you something - what do you even do around here besides interrupt people?
Bob Littleford: Well, I serve as treasurer to the union, I make a wicked pot of

decaf...
Terry Hoitz: Exactly! You're a worthless piece of shit!
Bob Littleford: Probably right, Terry. That's why I feel so sad all the time. I'm gonna go for a walk.
[leaves]
Bob Littleford: Bob!
Allen Gamble: Say something!
Terry Hoitz: Come on! Bob!
[to Allen]

Terry Hoitz: I didn't mean it, all right? I'm upset.