Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
Stu Price: [soothing a crying baby] We're going to be okay. Everything's going to be ok, alright?
[tuning in panic to Phil and Alan]
Stu Price: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Eddie Palermo: Listen to me, I'm gonna' tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
Alan Garner: [while getting fitted for a tux] Whoa, watch it, pervert!
Doug Billings: It's ok, Alan. He's just doing your inseam.
Alan Garner: He's getting very close to my shaft.
Phil Wenneck: [leaving the school at which he teaches] Would you shut up and drive, before any of these nerds asks me another question.
Stu Price: I lost a tooth! I married a whore!
Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?
[Alan falls from the window of the car because the door on the passenger side doesn't open]
Mr. Chow: [laughs obnoxiously] Funny fat guy fall on face!
Mike Tyson: This is my favorite part coming up right now.
Mr. Chow: I want my purse back, assholes.
Phil Wenneck: What, your purse?
Alan Garner: That's not a purse. That's a satchel!
Mr. Chow: It's a purse! Okay? And you steal from wrong guy!
Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!
Alan Garner: Drivin' drunk. Classic!
Stu Price: You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
Alan Garner: I think he's mean.
Stu Price: By the way, we're all gonna die.
Doug Billings: At least our trip wasn't a total loss.
Alan Garner: Why do you say that?
Doug Billings: While I was stuck on the roof I found about 80,000 dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're heading home with some money, boys!
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus.
Black Doug: C'mon, man. I'll be your Doug.
Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
[Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out]
Phil Wenneck: Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!
