Stu Price: [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.
Alan Garner: Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?
Phil Wenneck: No, I'm not cool with that.
Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.
Alan Garner: [repeatedly singing] And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Alan Garner: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
Stu Price: Whoah, we're not leaving a baby in the car.
Phil Wenneck: He'll be fine. I cracked a window.
Stu Price: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?
Phil Wenneck: Obviously because we had a great fucking time.
Phil Wenneck: [on video surveillance] Check it out. Stu! Stu, fuck this tiger!
Mike Tyson: Aw, man! Who does shit like that, man?
Phil Wenneck: Someone who has a lotta issues, obviously. I'm a sick man.
Stu Price: [while Alan adds pepper to the roofied steak] Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.
Alan Garner: Tigers *love* pepper. They hate cinnamon.
Mr. Chow: [as he closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodle-oo, motherfuckers.
[whoops like a native]
Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Alan Garner: Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?
Alan Garner: [after Chow crushes his bag] Hey, there's skittles in there!
Stu Price: This does not seem fair.
Phil Wenneck: It's rock-paper-scissors. There's nothin' more fair.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
Mr. Chow: It's funny because he's fat!
Mike Tyson: [to Phil] Like you said - we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up.
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
