The 40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes

Waxing Lady: So this is your first time getting body wax?
Andy Stitzer: Yes. Yes, it is.
Waxing Lady: Take off your shirt.
Andy Stitzer: Ok.
[Andy takes off his shirt, revealing a very hairy torso]
Waxing Lady: [calls out] Oh... we gonna need more wax!

Cal: I'm staying. This is gonna be good.
Waxing Lady: [calls out] And clear all my appointments in the afternoon!

David: I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying, "Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?" I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.
Andy Stitzer: Well, why

don't you get her back right now?
David: Oh, cause she's dating this pot dealer. Stupid, horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man.
Andy Stitzer: It sounds horrible.
David: Of course it's horrible.

It's suffering and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight, and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email, but that's just love.

Andy Stitzer: You guys, she's picking me up in an hour.
David: Oh, drag, dude.
Cal: She's picking you up from here?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: That's fucked up, man.
Andy Stitzer: Why?
Cal: Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man.

You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
Andy Stitzer: So what?
Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
Andy Stitzer: Okay.
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six

Million Dollar Man's boss?
Andy Stitzer: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy Stitzer: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy Stitzer: I'm not trying to

be sexy, man.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy Stitzer: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy Stitzer: You guys cool it with

the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy Stitzer: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
[Trish shows up at Andy's door and

the entire apartment looks abandoned]

Cal: Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.
Andy Stitzer: I think I've got all the advice I can handle right now.
Cal: Don't get bitter.
Andy Stitzer: I'm not getting bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay?
Cal:

That was Jay's idea, and I wasn't going to say anything, but waxing your chest is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Look at me: looks are not important. *Really* look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but, I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?
Andy Stitzer: I am not ugly as fuck.
Cal: I didn't say you

were ugly as fuck.
Andy Stitzer: Well, you implied it.
Cal: Okay, okay, it doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck, or you're ugly as shit. It's about *talking* to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist.
Andy Stitzer: What? You never told me that before.
Cal: That's

because I'm not an arrogant prick, Andy.