148 The 40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes (2024) #2

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Andy Stitzer: Take your porn with you.
David: I'm not taking it.
Andy Stitzer: [following David to the front door] Take your box o' porn!
David: It's my gift to you.
Andy Stitzer: No, I don't want it. David it's not... just... just...
David: [shouting] Andy for

the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography!
Andy Stitzer: No no no, just- Come on man! So uncool!
David: No...
[continues shouting]
David: Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Haziz: [to Jay] So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, Al Qaeda?

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
David: You know how

I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face".
Cal: That's gay?
David: [loses his second "Mortal Kombat" match] Goddamn it!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off. And now I'm

throwing it at your body.
[David's character explodes]
Cal: [shouts] Fuck you!
David: Aww...

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Andy Stitzer: You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Jay: [to Mooj] Why you always telling me to go fuck a goat?

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Andy Stitzer: You should keep your ho on a leash.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin. I always have been.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

[while Jay and the Customer are arguing]
Haziz: Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

David: [the same Michael McDonald sampler DVD has been playing on all of the television screens for the last two years] If I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Andy Stitzer: [after partial chest wax] This is not a good look for me!

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Haziz: Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Andy Stitzer: [defending himself from Trish's comments on him riding a bicycle] Einstein rode a bike!
Trish: He had a wife, who he fucked, by the way!

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Andy Stitzer: [while getting his chest waxed] Aaaah, I hate you! Stop smiling, you jerk!

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Mooj: [talking to a customer] This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.
Jay: What are you doing? That's my customer.
Mooj: It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended
Jay: No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.

Mooj: I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.
Jay: Then you gonna give me half the commission.
Mooj: You will receive none of the commission.
Jay: I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!
Mooj: This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula.

How about... how about Jesse Jackson? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...
Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
Mooj: I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit!
Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? You wanna just take it outside and just squash it?
Mooj: Let's stay inside so everybody can see what a pussy you

have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I cannot return it until it has spilt blood.
Jay: Listen to me, listen to me! You are fucking with the wrong nigger.
Mooj: Hey, hey! You are fucking with the wrong sand nigger, okay?
Jay: I will hang your old ass by your turban!

Mooj: [Mooj has a very definite Indian accent] Oh, turban, now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, you want a slurpee? You want a slurpee?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?
Jay: All right, man. Calm down, dude! Look... you still

covering my shift on Friday or what?
Mooj: If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.
Jay: Cool, man. All right, pops.
[They hug; Jay leaves]