[repeated line]
Berta: [whenever she sees a big mess being made] I ain't cleaning that up!
Alan Harper: Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
Charlie: [repeated line, whenever he's put in a sticky situation] Uuuuuoo.
Evelyn Harper: Alan darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
[repeated line]
Russell: What are you, a cop?
[repeated line]
Charlie: That ship has sailed.
Charlie: [repeated line, when he senses trouble] Oh boy.
[repeated line]
Judith Harper: JAAAKE! YOUR FATHER IS HERE!
Alan Harper: Who is Alan Harper?
Charlie: That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.
[repeated line]
Mia: [whenever Charlie says something outrageous] Are you out of your freaking mind?
Alan Harper: [they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?
Charlie: No!
Alan Harper: Why not?
Charlie: I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?
Alan Harper: [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
[repeated line]
Chelsea: [whenever Charlie says something offensive that drives her away] Drop dead!
Evelyn Harper: We are at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
Charlie: [on Jake] How can I be blackmailed by Forrest Gump?
Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, Knocking Down the Wall.
Alan Harper: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called Kiss My Pale White Ass.
[repeated line]
Berta: Hey, Skippy!
Berta: Hey, Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah.
Berta: When did you become a bitch?
