Step Brothers Quotes

Male Therapist: So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself.
Dale Doback: I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and... I just

figure it out.
Male Therapist: Is this Good Will Hunting?
Dale Doback: No.
Male Therapist: It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
Dale Doback: Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck...

Dr. Robert Doback: You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!
Brennan Huff: Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!
Nancy Huff: Brennan.
Brennan Huff: Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check

for $10,000.
Nancy Huff: Oh, stop it! Stop it right...
Brennan Huff: Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...
Nancy Huff: Brennan!
Brennan Huff: ...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!

[Dale and Brennan are in beds next to each other]
Dale Doback: [whispering] Hey, you awake?
Brennan Huff: [also whispering] Yeah.
Dale Doback: I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad.
Brennan Huff: Well that's fine. Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass.

Dale Doback: Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
Brennan Huff: Who's the retard?
Dale Doback: You.
Brennan Huff: [raising his voice] Hey ya'll don't say

that!
Dale Doback: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.
Brennan Huff: Just shut up!
Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.
Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
Dale Doback: [Dale turns

his face to Brennan] Oh yeah?
Brennan Huff: [Brennan turns his face to Dale] Yeah.
Dale Doback: I'm a curly-headed fuck?
Brennan Huff: Yeah. You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I'm gonna punch you square in the face.
Dale Doback: I hope you stay still when you sleep, cause I'm

gonna put a rat trap between your legs.
Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.
[Dale turns away from Brennan]
Dale Doback: I want you out of my fucking house!
Brennan Huff: No way Kimosabe. This is my house now.

Dale Doback: I'm just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here.
Dr. Robert Doback: Dale, I think it's time for a change. For both of us.
Dale Doback: Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to shit with the door open, we talk

about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked.
[brief pause]
Dr. Robert Doback: We literally have never done any of those things.

Dr. Robert Doback: When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And one day my dad said, "Bobby, you are 17. It's time to throw childish

things aside," and I said, "Okay, Pop." But he didn't really say that, he said, "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job."

Dale Doback: On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Velociraptor.
Brennan Huff: Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff:

Good Housekeeping.
Brennan Huff: If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: John Stamos.
Dale Doback: [stomps foot] What?
Brennan Huff: Did we just become best friends?
Dale Doback: Yep!
[they high five each

other]
Brennan Huff: Do you wanna do karate in the garage?
Dale Doback: Yep!

Dale Doback: Hey man. Did you touch my drumset?
Brennan Huff: [Brennan nods his head]
Brennan Huff: Nope.
Dale Doback: It's just weird, 'cause, it seems like someone definitely touched my drumset.
Brennan Huff: Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch 'em.
Dale

Doback: [Dale throws Brennan's feet off the couch]
Brennan Huff: Hey!
Dale Doback: [angrily] Did you touch my drumset?
Brennan Huff: Hey, knock it off!
Dale Doback: I know you touched my drumstick, 'cause the left one has a chip in it.
Brennan Huff: Are you fucking

crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.
Dale Doback: Fuck you Brennan! I know you touched my drumset, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it.
Brennan Huff: Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!
Dale Doback: You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it

then!
Brennan Huff: I don't have to swear to shit!
Dale Doback: That's 'cause you fucking touched my drumset! 'Cause I know COPS doesn't start 'till 4:00!
Brennan Huff: [Brennan begins to leave the room]
Dale Doback: Where you going?
Brennan Huff: I'm going upstairs... 'cause I'm

gonna put my nutsack, on your drumset! Okay?
[Brennan continues to walk upstairs towards his drumset]
Dale Doback: If you do that - I'm warning you, right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife!

Brennan Huff: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
Dale Doback: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you

mean.