[looking through Shaun's LPs for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]
Ed: 'Purple Rain'?
Shaun: No.
Ed: 'Sign o' the Times'?
Shaun: Definitely not.
Ed: The 'Batman' soundtrack?
Shaun: Throw it.
Ed: 'Dire Straits'?
Shaun: Throw it.
Ed: Ooh, 'Stone Roses'.
Shaun: Um, No.
Ed: 'Second Coming'.
Shaun: I like it!
Ed: Ahhh! 'Sade'.
Shaun: Yeah, but that's Liz's!
Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you.
Shaun:
Oh!
Shaun: [about Ed] He's not my boyfriend!
Ed: [handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.
Shaun: Thanks, babe.
[winks]
[Shaun is channel hopping]
[Channel 4 News]
Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's...
[VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]
Morrissey: ...Panic on the streets of London...
[ITV News]
News Reporter: ...as an increasing
number of reports of...
[Football]
Football Commentator 2: ...serious attacks on...
[Channel Five News]
News Reporter: ...people, who are literally being...
[Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]
Documentary Narrator: ...eaten alive.
[Sky News]
Jeremy Thompson:
Witness reports at best are sketchy. One unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...
[T4]
Vernon Kay: ...dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...
Liz: Shaun?
Shaun: Yeah?
Liz: You see what I'm saying?
Shaun: Yep, totally.
Liz: I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
Shaun: I know.
Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed.
[Liz looks over at Ed who is playing an
arcade game]
Liz: Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
Ed: It's all right.
Liz: It would just be nice if we could...
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Fuck!
Liz: ...spend a bit more time together...
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Bollocks!
Liz: ...just the two of us.
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Cock it!
Liz: It's just with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flat-mates out and then that only exacerbates things.
Shaun: What do you mean?
Liz: Well you guys hardly get on, do you?
Shaun:
No, what does "exacerbate" mean?
Liz: It means um, to make things worse.
Shaun: Right. Well I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di.
[Shaun looks over at David and Di at the table next to them]
Shaun: Guys, it's not that I don't like you.
David, Dianne: [together]
It's all right.
Shaun: And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?
Pete: It's four in the fucking morning!
Shaun: It's Saturday!
Pete: No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday. And I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours 'cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY?
Ed: Fuck, yeah!
Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
Shaun: Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold.
Liz: I won't say anything.
Shaun: Thanks.
Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!
Ed: What?
Shaun: The zed-word. Don't say it!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
Ed: All right... are there
any out there, though?
[looking out of the letter-box, he sees an empty street]
Shaun: I can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that.
[he turns his head and sees a pack of zombies]
Shaun: Oh, no, there they are.
Ed: [sees a zombified Pete] Hey, Shaun, look who it is!
Shaun: Fuck-a-doodle-do!
Ed: What happened to your hand, man?
Pete: I got mugged on the way home.
Ed: By who?
Pete: I dunno by some crackheads or something, one of them bit me.
Ed: Why'd they bite you?
Pete: I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them! Now, I have a splitting headache, and
your stupid hip hop isn't helping. And the front door is open... AGAIN!
Ed: It's not hip hop, it's Electro. Prick... Next time I see him, he's dead.
Barbara: [over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house.
Shaun: Well are they still there?
Barbara: [over the phone] I'm not sure, we've shut the curtains.
Shaun: Did you try the police?
Barbara: [over the phone] Well I thought about it.
Shaun: Are you OK?
Did they hurt you?
Barbara: [over the phone] No I'm fine. I'm fine.
Shaun: Mum...
Barbara: [over the phone] Well they were a bit... bitey.
Shaun: [concerned] Mum, have you been bitten?
Barbara: [over the phone] No... But Philip has.
Shaun: [calmly] Oh, OK.
Ed: Has she been bitten?
Shaun: [to Ed] No, Philip has.
Ed: [calmly] Oh, OK.
Shaun: Listen, Mum, what sort of state is he in?
Barbara: [over the phone] Oh, he's fine. Bit under the weather.
Shaun: I see.
Ed: What's the deal?
Shaun: [to Ed] We may have to kill my step-dad.