Scary Movie 3 Quotes

Mahalik: I heard Jamal from 90th street watched that tape last week and this mornin' he woke up dead!
CJ: How the hell do you wake up dead?
Mahalik: Cause' you're alive when you go to sleep.
CJ: So you're telling me you can go to bed dead and wake up alive?
Mahalik: You can't go to bed

dead! That shit would've been redundant.
CJ: No it would'nt cause' you can go to bed and not be dead, and you can die and not be in the bed.
Mahalik: But you are in the bed. That's how you wake up dead in the first place fool!
CJ: Damn! that's some quantum shit right there man! You should be teaching classes!

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...
[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]
Ross Giggins: and an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.
Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.
[Ward types his text]
Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
[everybody's fighting over the telemprompter

keyboard, the janitor sits on it]
Ross Giggins: Oh, shizl gzngahr, % + 7, , 193419 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn , , 18 469
[Janitor takes over the keyboard]
Ross Giggins: I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She

likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President y'all. I'm outie. Peace.

George: Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart

happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm wack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back

George: You guys ever wonder what it would be like to stop livin' up here
[puts hand up in the air]
George: and start livin' down here?
[puts hand down low]
Mahalik: Or what if we stop livin' over here
[puts his hand out to the side]
Mahalik: and move over there?
[puts his hand to

the other side]
CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.
Mahalik: For what?
CJ: Mice.
Mahalik: I thought she had rats?
CJ: No, rats are outside, mice are inside.
Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does

it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?
CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.
Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!
CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there! A-Ha!
George: Guys, I really don't see what this has anything to do

with anything...

[on the phone]
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: What? Willie Mays?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Kind of.
Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Yes. Perfect.
Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.
Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday.

That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
Tabitha's Voice:

Well, that depends. What holiday?
Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.
Tabitha's Voice: Then no.
Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

George: Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.
Tom: Oh. I better tell her.
George: No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?
Sue: Yes?
George: You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
Sue: Yeah.
George: She's dead!
Sue: Aah!

George: Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!
Sue: My dog's dead?
George: I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!

Alien #1: Wait please, we mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil little girl. We must destroy her before seven days.
George: You mean... You watched the video tape?
Alien #1: Our satellite caught up what we thought was Pootie Tang, that was a week ago. And now our entire race will die, unless the girl is

destroyed.
Tom: Aw, you see, they are peaceful.
Mahalik: If they so peaceful, man, why were they choking us a few minutes ago?
Alien #1: Oh... that's how we say hello.
George: Well how do you guys say goodbye?
[an alien kicks George in the groin]
George: [in pain] I had to

ask.

[Cindy comes home after leaving George to watch Cody and finds George sleeping on the table]
Cindy: Oh my God! What happened?
George: I don't know... we were play this great game, then I looked down and...
[He looks down at his dice]
George: Yahtzee!
[He stands up and bangs his head on the shelf, knocking himself

out]

Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom: I promise.
Annie: And no sex, either.
Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie: No sex.

Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.
Annie: [shouts] No sex!
Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie: Oh, Jesus.
Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.

Tom: Right. Swing away.
Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand.
[Gasps and dies]

Trooper Champlin: It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
Tom: Annie?
Trooper Champlin: She was hit by a truck and she's pinned against a tree.
Tom: I don't understand.
Trooper Champlin: As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.
Tom: I still don't get

it.
Trooper Champlin: [shows Tom hot dog] This... is your wife.
[breaks hot dog in half]
Tom: She broke her wiener?

Cindy: Cody, did I ever tell you what your mom said about you the day you were born?
Cody: No.
Cindy: I was in the delivery room with her. She was having a hard time. Then you began to come out of her. And your mom screamed and screamed in pain. She yelled, "Just kill me. Bludgeon me with a bedpan. Whatever you do, put me out of this

pain." She was gushing torrents of blood. I have this all on tape if you want to see it someday. Well, finally you came out. Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself. Well, on the second try. The first time she snipped your penis in half. After all, she was drunk. Actually, drugged. We'd been out the night before celebrating St. Patrick's Day. And she thought, "Hey, I never tasted crystal meth."

So she did just a little.
Cody: My penis?
Cindy: Yes. They sewed it on upside down.
Cody: So that's why I pee up?
Cindy: Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey. It's on my list of things. Right after we get TiVo. Anyway, there you were. Your mom turned to me and she said, "Hey, you want him? Take him." And then

she died. And I took you. Do you know why? I'd just lost my cat in a fire, and I needed something to pet and feed. And I miss that cat, Cody. But I love you. And nothing's ever gonna change that, not even the very painful death we're about to experience.

[the phone rings after Cody watches the tape]
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?
Cindy: Fine.
Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?
Cindy: Yeah.
Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching

up. Can I speak to Cody?
Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.
Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.
[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody.

[Snickering]
Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!
Tabitha's Voice: [Laughs] Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?
Cindy: Fine.
[Writes the message down]
Cindy: Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye-bye.

[Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS]
Cindy: Aaaah!