There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
