I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
