[about the driver-shaped airbag]
Kevin Brown/K: Does that come standard?
Agent J: Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.
Frank the Pug: [Frank sings "I Will Survive"] And now you're back from outer space, / I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, / I should've changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, / If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. / Go on, now go! Walk out the door...
Agent J: Frank!
Move your head inside this window, before I roll it up in there.
Frank the Pug: [Sits further away from the window] Got it!
[Starts humming "I Will Survive" melody again, looking anxiously out the window]
Agent J: [shouts] Frank!
Agent Kay: [goes to squish a cockroach, but hesitates]
Cockroach: Damn decent of you.
[scuttles away]
Agent Kay: [beat] Don't mention it...
Agent J: Wait, what are you doing?
Kevin Brown/K: I always do the driving.
Agent J: Oh, no...
Kevin Brown/K: I remember that.
Agent J: No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive the new hotness.
[pointing at Kay]
Agent
J: Old and busted.
[pointing at himself]
Agent J: New hotness.
[Kay looks at Jay for a second, then J hands the keys over]
Agent J: Old, busted hotness...
[in the midst of alien fight, K repeatedly kicks an alien in the crotch but nothing happens]
Agent J: K, he's a Balchinian!
Agent K: Oh.
[kicks the alien in the chin]
Agent J: [after K shoots Jeebs in the head after being ejected from Jeebs' deneuralyzer] You're back.
Kevin Brown/K: No.
Agent J: Then how did you know that his head would grow back?
Kevin Brown/K: [surprised] It grows back?
Jeebs: [as his head grows back] Real nice! But that's the last
time I help out a friend!
Agent J: Kay, do you remember anything?
Kevin Brown/K: Goodbye.
[walks away]
Agent J: Kay!
Jeebs: K, wait! I never got the updated software!
[to J]
Jeebs: Still workin' off the 6.0.
[to K]
Jeebs: Your brain
needs to reboot! Give it a minute.
Agent J: Kay!
Jeebs: From the bottom of my heart, Jay, I'm really sorry. I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. All those years of loyalty, trust, and respect for one another.
[Serleena's minions sent to retrieve Kay burst in. Jay takes cover]
Jeebs: [pointing at Jay] Right over
there!
Corn Face: Where's Kay?
Jeebs: He's not here! He went...
Agent J: [blows Jeebs' head off] Kay is officially retired! I'm his trigger happy replacement! Something I can do for you gentlemen?
Jeebs: [as his head grows back] Oh, great! Right in the piehole! Now nothing's gonna taste right!
Pineal Eye: Lower your weapon!
Agent J: No!
[the Mosh Tendrils jumps from behind Jay and throws him to the Corn Face alien, who throws Jay to the ground]
Scrad: Jay, how are you, boo-boo? Look, these guys really need Kay.
Agent J: He's a neutral!
Scrad: Tell me something we don't
know.
Charlie: [popping out of Scrad's backpack] Yeah, tell me something we don't...
[sneezes]
Charlie: I'm so sorry.
Pineal Eye: God bless you.
Charlie: Thank you.
Scrad: Look, if I don't bring Kay back to MIB, Serleena's gonna kick my ass. Now, where is he?
Agent J: Where's who?
Corn Face: You don't look too good.
Agent J: [punches the Corn Alien's mask off] And you look like crap!
[the Pineal Eye and Dog Crap alien laugh]
Agent J: [referring to the Dog Crap alien] I take that back. HE look like crap.
Pineal Eye: [continues to
laugh, but stops] BEND HIM!
Scrad: Bend him.
Agent J: Oh, damn, wait. Nah, don't bend him.
[the Corn Face alien picks up Jay and starts bending him]
Agent K: You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers. You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your life.
Agent J: Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and
stuff...
[as Jeff devours the commuter train from one end, the passengers crowd at the head of the train in panic. The conductor comes out of the cabin]
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: Everybody out before I start knocking heads here!
Agent J: You get in there, and you put the hammer down on this thing!
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The
Motorman: I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater, and I decide what happens on this train.
Agent J: Oh. Oh, you decide? Oh. Okay. Come here. Come here.
[J steers Larry to the rear of the crowd, and points]
Agent J: Larry, that's my man Jeff.
[Jeff takes another huge bite out of the back of the train]
Captain Larry
Bridgewater, The Motorman: Larry just made a decision.
Agent J: Yeah, Larry needs to take his ass in there!
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: Yeah...
[as Larry makes his way toward the cabin, Jay walks up to Jeff and aims his gun at Jeff]
Agent J: Don't make me do this, Jeff!
[Jeff backs off from
the subway train]
Jeebs: You remember me?
Kevin Brown/K: Can't say I do. I'm pretty good with faces,
[Points at Jeebs's nose]
Kevin Brown/K: I think I'd remember that.
Jeebs: [Chuckles] The great K is a neutral.
Kevin Brown/K: You're standing between me and my memories, pal. You have this
deneuralyzer thing or not?
Jeebs: Mmm, no. Brushed out.
[J and K stare at him]
Jeebs: Can't help you.
[They continue staring]
Jeebs: Don't got it...
[J and K continue to stare. Jeebs cracks]
Jeebs: Even if I did... If it doesn't work, K dies, you blow my head off! If it does work, I
brought back K who, just for the fun of it, blows my head off! So, what's MY incentive?
[K points his gun at Jeebs' head]
Jeebs: [weak laugh] Okay homey, I keep it downstairs next to the snowblower.
[K smiles, satisfied]
Newton: A neuralize...
Agent J: [neuralizes Newton] Ok. First, get some contact lenses, 'cause those joints look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like 40 years old.
Kevin Brown/K: Agent J?
Agent J: All right, all right. Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.
[J leaves]
Newton: You wanna go to Cambodia?
Hailey: Yeah.
Newton: Hey, Mom?
[picks up a shovel]
Agent J: Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly, and for making that many copies! Now surrender!
Kevin Brown/K: [he and Jay are at a locker at Grand Central Station; Kay doesn't know what's in the locker] You're not gonna slow me down on this, are you?
Agent J: Slow you down? Who's brain's working on our data software?
Kevin Brown/K: Why don't you go grab us some coffee while I do this?
Agent J: Oh, sure
thing. How do you take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?
Kevin Brown/K: I don't know what's in there. I don't want you to get hurt. So step back.
Agent J: Kay, for real man, open the damn locker.
[Kay opens the locker to find a "town" of small creatures]
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: K, he's back! The light giver! All
hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light...
Agent J: [looks inside the locker in disbelief] You are the man who would be king of the train locker.
Agent J: Could I have your attention, please?
[Neuralyzes the crowd]
Agent J: Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been EATEN. 'Cause you don't listen! You're ignorant! How's a man gonna come crashin' through the back of a subway win - that's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers! "Oh no,
we've seen it all!" "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us Mr. Black Man!" I ask you nicely to move forward to the next car, y'all just sit there like...
[Gathers himself and Neuralyzes the crowd again]
Agent J: The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step,
you all have a nice evening.
[He leaves, neuralyzing Larry in the driver's seat on his way]
Agent J: Why did you join MiB?
Agent T: Six years in the Marines. Love to serve, love the action.
Agent J: You wanted to play hero. Well, you joined the wrong organization. You ever hear of James Edwards?
Agent T: No.
Agent J: Well, he saved the lives of fifteen people tonight. But
nobody knows he exists. And if nobody knows he exists, how can anybody love him?