Agent J: Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion.
Kevin Brown/K: The Crelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?
[Agents J and T have dinner at a restaurant]
Agent T: Oh, good pie!
Agent J: Oh, yeah.
[T starts crying]
Agent J: What's wrong, man? The pie not good?
Agent T: You're gonna neuralyze me!
Agent J: No...
Agent T: Yes! You brought me to a public place
so I wouldn't make a scene!
Agent J: You ARE making a scene!
Agent J: [Jay is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.
Worms: [Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh!
Agent J: Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.
Laura: Which one's Neeble?
Agent J: Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?
Neeble: Yo, mama!
Agent J: Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.
[Jay exits]
Worms: Twister!
Newton: [to Hailey] There's a huge rat in the toilet, it's all stopped up so you're gonna have to pee in the sink...
[spots agents J & K]
Newton: Gentlemen! Seen any... aliens lately?
Agent K: Son, you need professional help.
Hailey: He's getting it, it's not working.
Agent J: [Looking at the picture of K and the pizza guy] All right. You're pointing at something.
[looks around]
Agent J: Excuse me.
[notices an astronaut picture]
Agent J: The astronaut.
[goes to the astronaut picture]
Agent K: [notices a key hanging where the picture points] Jay?
Agent J: [looks at the astronaut picture] Alright, now he's pointing. He like, he like.
[goes to the ovens, seeing pizza boxes stacked like a diamond shape]
Agent J: Who would stack pizza boxes like this? A pizza box stacker who is not stacking pizza boxes; he's leaving clues. It's an arrow.
Agent K: Jay...
Agent J: You're slowing me down slick. Whatever we're looking for is in these cabinets right here!
[opens up the cabinets and takes out a can of anchovies]
Agent J: Anchovy fillets in virgin olive oil!
Agent K: [looks at the can of anchovies dubiously and takes the key] I hope I'm not slowing you down.
Agent
J: Good work, partner.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, the Drolecks are gone and the treaty is signed.
Zed: Good work!
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, what about that position you promised me in Men In Black?
Zed: Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program. I'll keep you posted.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Wait a minute! That's not what you promised me!
Zed: You're breaking up, can't hear you.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed! Hello? Zed?
Zed: I'll call you back...
[starts walking away]
Undercover alien intelligence officer: I could
be Agent M!
[last lines]
Agent Kay: How ya doing?
Agent J: Good.
Agent Kay: Listen, we've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk about it?
Agent J: No.
Agent Kay: I can help.
Agent J: No.
Zed: [walks into the room] Still
sulking?
Agent Kay: [at the same time as J] Yeah.
Agent J: [at the same time as K] No.
Zed: You miss her, it happens to all of us. There was this young, hot thing I knew once. When our bodies were intwined, in the positions of the Kamasutra...
Agent J: Zed! Come on, man! Damn!
Frank the
Pug: [walks in] I'll tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is...
[growls]
Agent J: Hey! Come on...
Frank the Pug: What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?
Agent J: No. No advice.
[to Kay]
Agent J: No talking.
[to
Zed]
Agent J: Hell no! Fellas, I swear, I'm fine.
[opens his locker]
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: All hail J! All hail J!
Agent J: [closes his locker] Why did you put them rats in my locker, man?
Agent Kay: I thought it would put things in perspective for you.
Agent J: No, K,
it's actually kind of sad, really. We need to let them out of there. I mean, they need to know that the world is bigger than that.
Agent Kay: Still a rookie.
[Kicks open a door to a room filled with gigantic aliens]
Agent J: Am I supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?
Frank the Pug: Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it.
Agent J: [leaving the subway after neuralyzing a group of train passengers that were on a train that Jeff ate] I need a containment crew at the subway station at 81st Street. Revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately. Have a team escort him back to the subway. And would someone *please* check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers?
MIB Customs Agent: Purpose of visit?
Serleena: Education. I really want to learn how to be an underwear model. They say I've got real potential.
[opens jacket]
Jeebs: If I could have your attention while we go over the safety procedures. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and if at any point you become disoriented, there's nothin' we can do about it.
Jeebs: Now, have you removed all of your jewellery?
[K stares at him, saying nothing]
Jeebs: Are you
allergic to shellfish?
Agent J: Jeebs!
Jeebs: Right then! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
[Jeebs turns on and sets up his equipment]
Agent J: You ever used this thing before?
Jeebs: I used the exhaust once to make some hot-air popcorn, that's about it.
[K turns his head to look at Jeebs,
startled]
Jeebs: OK! Let's make it happen, Cap'n!
Agent J: Whoo! Flushed! Yeah, man, back when you was an agent, you used to love gettin' flushed. Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be like "flush me, J! Flush me!" and I'd be like "Naw... " You can't quit on me now, K.
Kevin Brown/K: I save the world, you tell me why I stare at the stars.
Agent J: Cool.