Laura: When we're kids, before we're taught how to think or what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. I know what I saw. You tell me what I'm supposed to believe.
Agent J: Sweet dreams, big boy!
[jabs the tranquilizer into Jeff, only aggravating him. After a few moments time, J reloads the tranquilizer]
Agent J: Whoo! Sweet...
[is launched forward]
Agent J: dreeeeeeaaaaaaams...
[crashes through the back window of a subway car]
Agent J: ... big boy.
Transit authority people! Please move to the forward car, we got a bug in the electrical system!
[passengers ignore him]
Agent J: Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!
[Jeff bites off a large portion of the subway car, and the passengers start running to the front]
Agent J: Oh, now y'all runnin'? Now y'all... No, no, no!
Sit down! Sit down! It's only a 600-foot worm!
Agent J: [takes Kevin/K into the Deneuralizer room] The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.
Kevin Brown/K: Okay.
[pointing at the deneuralizer]
Kevin Brown/K: What's that thing?
Agent J: The deneuralizer...
Agent J: [after Jay stopped the countdown launch that was to send Laura into space] What do you mean, just leave you? I never run out on a fight.
Laura: He took your gun. Cracked you on the head.
Agent J: And...
Laura: Slammed you across the room. Half the time you were on your back.
Agent
J: That's how I fight.
Serleena: You lost, you insignificant little speck! You wasted 20 years of my time, and for what? The complete destruction of the Zarthas, all because you went mushy!
Agent K: I'm giving you one last chance to surrender, you slimy Kylothian invertebrate.
Serleena: Oh, what are you gonna do?
Agent K: Not me,
him...
Agent J: [behind Serleena] Your flight's been cancelled!
[blasts Serleena]
[Jay neuralyzes Agent T]
Agent J: Get married, have a bunch of kids.
Agent T: Okay.
Agent J: [to a waitress on his way out] Hey, listen. My buddy's kind of shy, but he thinks you are *hot*.
Agent J: [walks up to K, who is now the postmaster of Turro, Massachusetts at a post office; K's name tag reads "Kevin Brown"] '' Kevin. Heh. Wow. Kevin. That's funny. You just don't have a "Kevin"... You don't remember me, but we used to work together.
Kevin Brown/K: I never worked in a funeral home. Something I can do for you, Slick?
Agent
J: Okay. Straight to the point.
[whispers in a serious voice]
Agent J: You are a former agent of a top-secret organization that monitors extraterrestrials on Earth. We're the Men in Black. We have a situation, and we need your help.
Kevin Brown/K: There's a free mental health clinic at the corner of Lilac and East Valley. Next!
Young Girl at Post Office: Excuse me.
Agent J: Hey.
Young Girl at Post Office: 20 Rugrats stamps, please.
Kevin Brown/K: Elizabeth. The United States Postal Service hasn't quite kept up with today's youth, but I can offer you some Berlin airlift stamps.
Young Girl at Post Office: No.
Kevin Brown/K: Opera legends?
Young Girl at Post Office: No.
Kevin Brown/K: American Samoa?
Young Girl at Post Office: No.
Kevin Brown/K: Amish quilts?
Young Girl at Post Office: No.
Agent J: [moves Elizabeth over] I'm sorry,
sweetie. Got a world to save here.
[turns back to K]
Agent J: There was no coma. It was all a cover-up.
Kevin Brown/K: Who are you?
Agent J: The question is, who are you?
Kevin Brown/K: I'm the postmaster of Truro, Massachusetts, and I'm ordering you to leave these premises.
Jarra: Hello, Jay. Long time.
Agent J: Jarra! What's up, man? Wow, you look great! What's it been? Five years?
Jarra: And forty-two days, thanks to you. You count every one when you're locked away like a primate.
Agent J: Well, you shouldn't have been trying to steal our ozone.
[to Laura, who is about
to be launched into space]
Agent J: Be there in one minute, sweetie.
Jarra: [drops his robe to reveal he has made copies of himself] Over our dead titanium bodies.
Agent J: Two minutes.
[Jarra's copies attack Jay]
Agent J: Uh, let's play this one by ear.
[K is taking potshots at Jeff using small Pistol-like weapon]
Agent J: Might I suggest a bigger gun?
MIB Guard: [Agent J enters MIB Headquarters] Don't you ever go home?
Agent J: Nope!
MIB Guard: I see you neuralized another partner.
Newton: Guys, before we start the tape, one more thing - what's up with anal probing? I mean, do they really come billions of light years just to...
Agent J: Boy, MOVE!
Agent J: Just about everybody who works in this post office is an alien.
[Opens up the aail sorter, revealing that there is an alien with a cigarette sorting the mail inside]
Kevin Brown/K: [takes the cigarette out of the alien's mouth] No smoking!
[moves off, the alien puts another cigarette in his mouth and continues to sort the mail]
[first lines]
Mysteries in History Narrator: Mysteries in History with your host, Peter Graves!
Peter Graves: Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the Men in Black supposedly carries out secret operations here on Earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories
that "never happened", from one of their files that doesn't exist. 1978. The leaders of Zartha flee their planet in order to escape the clutches of the evil Kylothian, Sereelena. Arriving on Earth, the Zarthans bring the Light of Zartha, a cosmic force so powerful, that in the wrong hands, it could lead to the annihilation of Zartha. The Zarthans' princess, Lauranna, beseeched the Men in Black to
hide the Light from Serleena. But they had no choice. Intervention would've meant the destruction of Earth. However, on an act of galactic bravery, the Men in Black subdued Serleena, allowing the Zarthans to escape, so they might hide the light on another planet. Serleena, released from her captors, vowed that the light would be hers, and that she would destroy any planet that stood in her way.
And so, never knowing what happened, the people of Earth were saved by a secret society of protectors known as the Men in Black.