When you're obsessive, like me, searching for something unattainable can become unhealthy... it's like falling through the air and grabbing at the clouds.
I play with a fear of letting people down. That's what motivates me.
I never ever believed that I would be able to give up on this dream which has driven me to live, breathe, love and embrace the game of rugby from the earliest days that I can remember.
What I am proud of is I have searched for the best of me and I have been a team man without fail.
I would like to wish the England squad every success. I would also very much like to extend those wishes to Martin Johnson, Brian Smith, Mike Ford, John Wells, Graham Rowntree and the rest of the England 2011 World Cup management team who have been fantastic and deserve people to know that.
I do, have done and always will believe that I am very capable of performing and thriving at any level of the sport.
My own position is so far on the obsessive side of preparation and professionalism that I fear my point of view is not going to be shared by anyone.
Playing the game, representing the team, giving my all and never letting go has meant everything to me.
We need to ask ourselves what are we here for and what have we worked so hard to be here for.
I'm pretty aware that the pursuit of perfection is, inherently, a flawed concept.
For me now, I will continue to focus ever harder on my goal of being the very best I can be with Toulon Rugby Club and continue to embrace and enjoy wherever that path takes me.
I want to be more than just some guy who played in a World Cup final.
I refuse to go into a fast-food outlet - to use the toilet even - in case anyone got the wrong idea and thought I was sneaking in a quick burger.
To make this announcement fills me with great sadness, but I know I have been blessed in so many ways to have experienced what I have with the England rugby team.
I have no intention of letting this decision change the way that I approach my training and preparation for games, but the time has come for me to realise that I have gone as far as I can go with this England team.
I'm not necessarily proud of the World Cups and the grand slams won or lost, the amount of points I scored, this record or that.
I like to think I play rugby as it should be played - there are no yellow or red cards in my collection - but I cannot say I'm an angel.
The conversation topic in my head is not what role I should play; it is whether I am going to play at all.
The problem with me is I always think I should've done better. I felt that after the World Cup final and through my whole career.
Right through to the end of the last World Cup game, I still couldn't bear the thought of not being perfect or letting people down.
